The Twilight of Innocence
by Grand Delusions
Summary: [Post LMR, Derek] 'The first time is unplanned... You didn’t mean for it to happen, you are still innocent. The second time is uncontrolled...'


Title: The Twilight of Innocence  
Author: Grand Delusions  
Rating: T: far less dirty than the infamous "exam room" scene in the finale  
Disclaimer: They do not belong to me; they are Shonda Rhimes' playthings. And frankly, I don't think even Patrick Dempsey knows what Shepherd's thinking.  
Spoiler: Post Season 2  
Keywords: Meredith/Derek, Affair, POV-Derek  
Author's Note: Originally this was suppose to be a drabble for my LJ, but I'm long winded and it turned into a one-shot. Additional A/N at the end. Thanks for reading!  
Summary: The first time is unplanned. You didn't mean for it to happen, you are still pure. The second time is uncontrolled. A Post-Season 2 look at Derek as the Anti-McDreamy.

-o-

**The Twilight of Innocence**

-o-

**The first time is unplanned…**

A frantic, desperate attempt for you to cling to something that wasn't yours to begin with. A hurried coupling in a sterile exam room, your breath hot on her neck and your fingers twisting through her hair…

In the dark… stealing away like thieves in the night.

Derek and Meredith: the cheating husband with his dirty mistress…

Later you explain away your sins. It was the heat of the moment: seeing her in his arms, smiling at him in her slinky black dress. You never could resist her when she wore a black dress—ever since the first night in that bar.

You didn't mean for it to happen, it wasn't planned.

You couldn't help it. The Devil made you do it. _Whatever_.

It wasn't intended. You are still pure. You still are the good guy. You are still _trying_.

At least, that's what you tell yourself.

You aren't even sure what any of it _means_, which convinces you that it was a one-time lapse in judgment, a risk not to be rewarded or taken again.

She will never trust you again—she makes that perfectly clear when she leaves with him.

She leaves with _him_, and you leave with _her_, and it was an accident, and you are still trying and still pure.

Back to square one.

And you are _innocent_.

-o-

**The second time is uncontrolled…**

A silent dance that had been building up for days ever since the previous encounter. Your thirst has been wetted, and you want more. Any attempt at self-control reduces you to a man on a tightrope, barely maintaining the balance. You know eventually the line will snap, and you will fall.

The day she assists on a craniotomy you know it is all over.

After the surgery, you trail behind her, waiting until no one else sees before you tightly wrap your hand around her wrist, leading her into a supply closet.

In the dark… again.

"No," she whispers. "Not again. This is wrong," she protests as your lips found her throat and your hands creep under her top.

"You can't, I'm with Fi-" she says, but your mouth covers hers and his named dies on her lips and you press her against the wall.

After she asks you what the hell you were thinking, and you have no answer.

Maybe it means something.

Maybe it is just nothing at all.

But the second time you can't blame it on impulse, and you search for a way to justify yourself.

Alone, in the solitude she leaves you in, you bow your head, mourning the loss of control. Feeling your innocence begin to die, little by little.

-o-

**The third time is passion…**

She corners you in the abandoned locker room, demanding an explanation for the previous day.

What the hell is wrong with you? What would your _wife_ think?

Why can't you just _leave her alone_, she asks—stop making her life so damn complicated?

But all you can see as she shouts at you is her flushed face and the way her eyes spark with fire when they meet yours. You watch her spew out angry, accusing words, and your breathing grows shallow and quick.

When she pauses for air you shove her body against the wall of metal lockers, pinning her body with yours. Your face against hers, your tongue battling with hers as her fingers reach for the waistband of your scrub pants.

"You're a miserable ass," she whispers into your ear as her cool hands flutter across your back, under your shirt and scrubs. "God, I hate you," she tells you, and part of you wishes it was the truth.

After a quick glance around the room, you drag her across the deserted room into the bathroom, frantic kisses all the while.

As you pull her ponytail loose from the hair tie you wonder if you might get caught.

As her hands pull your shirt over your head, you flip the bathroom light off and decide that you don't care.

-o-

**The fourth time is intentional…**

You carefully stake out a place at the nurse's station, pretending to sign forms. O'Malley awkwardly bumbles through reports on patients as you feign interest.

You see her out of the corner of your eye and immediately send George away with some ridiculous excuse for an assignment. Anything to be alone with her for a few minutes.

You're slipping.

You're becoming an adulterer.

A part of you admits the truth that you already are.

And you feel almost guilty that you don't care.

But she walks towards you, and you know the nearby office is empty and the blinds are already drawn and you forget about how integrity and obligations used to matter…

It doesn't matter.

Not anymore.

You're losing yourself the more you're with her.

And yet you can't force yourself to care.

She catches the look in your eye and for the first time, she follows you into the office, flipping through charts and pretending she's simply going about her day.

You wonder when deceit became second-nature to her… to you…

You rest your weight against the table and she locks the door before checking to ensure all the blinds are tightly closed.

The fluorescent tubes are dark and only the flickering of computer screens dimly light the room.

She moves to you and as her fingers snake around your neck to pull you closer to her, you finally begin to feel the painful guilt of your actions. Sneaking around in the dark for stolen kisses and caresses.

You've made her your mistresses, and you're a cheating bastard.

You feel that there's something you've lost, but you're too focused on the girl before you to even begin to consider how to find it again, so you push the guilt and pain away.

It will be ages before you realize you're losing your innocence along with your soul.

But when realization finally breaks through, it's already too late…

-o-

**The fifth time it is anger…**

An explosion of jealous fury, reminding you that you can't let her go.

You don't want to.

Even if you should.

You watch as he walks away from her, kissing her lightly on the cheek before turning to leave the hospital. As you continue to stare, you feel the rage slowly bubbling inside of you. Some part of you remembers that you have no right to feel this way, but she turns around and meets your eyes and you snap.

"I thought you and him weren't that serious," you hiss tense, angry words after seeing him visit her at work.

"Finn? Oh, well, it's nothing…" she at least has the decency to mix guilt with shock.

You remind yourself you have no claim to her as you place your hand on the small of her back, guiding her down the hallway. She almost trips over you in your haste to usher her away.

Pushing her into the dark on-call room, you don't even remember to scan the hall for witnesses. Hell, you don't even care and all you see is red.

You slam the door behind you and the deadbolt scrapes against metal as it slides into place. She looks nervous and almost terrified, and the dwindling remnants of your conscience scream for you stop.

You're _married_.

You have _responsibilities_.

And you're throwing them away.

And killing your integrity in the process.

Or is it already dead?

But you bring your hands to frame her face as you lower your mouth to hers. Branding her with your kisses as you possessively whisper: "He can't have you, Meredith. You're _mine_."

You don't notice anymore how she used to fight you, but now shamefully assumes her role as mistress.

You don't notice that you broke her:

Again.

You'll break everyone and everything for these moments.

You'll abandon everything you've ever stood for.

And you already have.

You try to wipe the memory of every other man she's ever known from her mind.

Later you will try to wipe the guilt from your own memory

-o-

**The sixth time you finally realize you are going to hell…**

You stand just beyond the porch, allowing the evening rain to soak your hair and clothes.

She saved you when you were drowning. A breath of fresh air.

But why do you now feel like you're suffocating? Crushed under the weight of your sins, your innocence crumbling away. Every glance, every touch, every kiss you share with her chips more and more of your integrity away.

You can't even remember a time when you had integrity. Not anymore.

But she's an addiction and you can't force yourself to care about the repercussions.

The windows to her room are dark. But rather than deter you, it gives you hope.

You're always together in the dark. A pair too impure for the exposing rays of the light.

A rustling of curtains and you see her watching you from her window. As she leaves to meet you at the door, you wonder if your wife knows you're missing… again…

The wife that you haven't touched since the night of a fake hospital prom. The wife that looks at you with mournful looks full of fear and confusion. The wife that doesn't know you're on the fast track to hell.

But _she_ doesn't drive you _crazy_, and she doesn't know you're even more damned than she ever was.

Meredith stands in the open doorway, exhausted and dirty.

You're tired too. But you're far more filthy and far more impure.

She takes your hand and silently leads you up the stairs, each step creaks with accusations:

_Liar…_

_Cheater…_

_Adulterer…_

You wonder if she hears the same things as she trudges up the stairs, but you never ask her. When was the last time you two had a real conversation?

Inside her bedroom you remember the feeling of safety and security you once felt in her room. Your sanctuary became your prison.

Or are you just imprisoned by your own guilt?

Still, you reach for her and pull her down onto the mattress…

You drug her down into your own personal hell of good intensions and broken dreams.

As dusk falls across the city and day dies to night, you wonder when the exact moment was when your innocent died—

Or if the death of your innocence was long parade of stolen glances and touches and caresses, slowly coming like the twilight crawls after the day, eventually plunging the world into the night…

-o-

_el fin_

-o-

A/N: Put down the knives and pitchforks! I still love Mer/Der. This is just something for a change of pace. I thought it'd be a fun plot bunny to explore Derek as the Anti-McDreamy and look at the events of finale for what they were: adultery. Let's call it for what it is, after all. Now, in Meredith's defense: she is the last of the interns to have sex inside the walls of the hospital. Way to go, self-control! (smirk)

Anyway, I'm not abandoning my favorite couple, I just wanted to look at it from a very different perspective. Who knows, maybe I'll be really adventurous this summer and write an Addek or something fluffy or something really crazy, though I can't think of anything crazier than those two options. ;-)

Anyhow, thank you for reading! Please review: good, bad, or indifferent, I'd love to hear your thoughts.


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